Sunday, December 18, 2016

It's been THREE years since I have posted on here! WOW! I just went back and read all of my old posts, I thought I had only written like one or two of them. It was fun to go back and see what was going on three years ago.  It was interesting to reflect on how much things have changed and how much things have stayed the same.  I have felt pulled for awhile now about blogging again and what I wanted to do with my blog. All the while knowing that the reason why I stopped blogging in the first place was because Scott was always sick, and quite honestly, I didn't want my blog to be about Scott always being sick.  I didn't want myself or any of the kids to read it and look back and be like OHMIGOSH dad was always sick.  Because truthfully, it certainly feels that way a lot of the time. Too much of the time.  Scott will always have problems, hospital stays, visits, "pump and dumps," those are just our "normal" things.

Looking back at all those old posts I see one common thing with myself, anxiety.  After this year of terrible anxiety, some days were so bad I could not leave the house.  I see now that probably getting some of the stuff I was feeling or just sharing about what we were going through - would have benefitted me and us so much more than not saying anything at all.  The truth is that no one will truly understand what its like to live with someone who is chronically ill unless they have lived it themselves.  People just do not understand why he goes to the hospital four days in a row with nothing coming out of it.  Why they don't keep him, why he's at home again, why they didn't run the same test that they ran the day before, the week before, the month before.  Why its so frustrating because WE NEVER KNOW AND NEVER GET AN ANSWER! It is always something, something new, try this drug, try that drug.  And they help, they do, but it is always short lived. Its heartbreaking, its fear inducing, its terrifying.  I am always scared one morning I'm going to wake up and he's not going to.  I am always scared that, this time, this hospital visit, is the one where they tell us this is it, there is nothing that they can do for him.  It never ends. Days start out well and end awfully, weeks can go by and he's so good and then he wakes up and is violently ill.

I am extremely proud of Scott and I admire him so much for always pushing through.  For going to meetings, for constantly working even when he is so sick.  For never giving up, even when it is obvious he wants to. For constantly fighting having to go to the hospital even when I am telling him to go. For constantly fighting, quite literally, for his life in order to provide for ours.  For putting his needs aside for ours.  I am amazed at how he always takes care of me even when in the hospital.  Calling, texting friends and family to have them check on me and pray for me or come be with me if I need it.  I am forever grateful for the people I have in my life who will drop everything they are doing to be there for me.  These people are the hands and feet of Christ.

Faith.  For those of you who don't understand or believe that there is a God, you can stop reading here.  I'm giving you an out to stop reading.

 My faith is the only thing that has been able to carry me through all of this.  It hasn't been easy at all, and sometimes I feel the enemy attacking me and taking my eyes off what is true.  Who is true.  But, I am able and capable with Christ to fight back and to also, let him fight for me, fight for us.  In some of my worst days, I have felt the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ.  I was filled with scriptures and songs those days and that helped me tremendously.  I was also able to share my experience with about 20 ladies I serve with at bible study to bless them.  They all prayed for me and I was able to share with them that their prayers were heard. God does not ever leave us and I now know that more than ever.

That is where we are at right now. Scott is in the hospital drinking contrast for a test to see if he needs to be admitted or not and I am at home with Avery and Noah praying about and waiting to see what will happen next.  This is what my blog will be about, how we live our life, our children, our faith through this, and God's mercy and grace through out all of it.  Not the lady with a sick husband blog, although I am sure that will be there too.

Lots of love to you!

1 comment:

  1. Awesome blog post, Jess. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about everything. I can only imagine the maddening experience of trying everything you have available to you to do and then seeing nothing come to fruition. Romans 8:28 has been a huge anchor for me in those times of sadness, stress and confusion. We love guys and will continue to pray for you and him.

    "Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take; The clouds ye so much dread
    Are big with mercy and shall break
    In blessings on your head.

    Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
    But trust Him for His grace;
    Behind a frowning providence
    He hides a smiling face."